YaYnEsS! Tomorrow is the Relient K concert. It's a bit of happiness entwined with all of this chaos. I want to buy a shirt. Will they have one in my size? For now I'm going to stay optimistic. Sarah gets to go backstage and meet them. I'm jealous, but not too jealous becuase I would feel way uncomfortable and wouldn't know what to say.
Last night I signed up for Blockbuster online. I already have 55 movies on my Queue. Wonder how long it takes to get the first set of movies?
I'm nervous about the Praxis, but I'm sure you are sick of hearing about it. The more I study the worse I feel becuase I realize how much I don't know. I, I, I, I, ok enough.
Sorry I didn't call you after CSI. I felt to sleepy. I'll call you today.
Peace Out
Friday, March 31
Friday, March 24
A poem
Life
By: Me :)
Oak tree helicopter flying madly,
Slowly falling, oh so sadly,
Dead in time, in space, in reason,
Forgotten with the change of season.
By: Me :)
Oak tree helicopter flying madly,
Slowly falling, oh so sadly,
Dead in time, in space, in reason,
Forgotten with the change of season.
Thursday, March 9
!Hola!
I got my movies in the mail today! YaY!! I was very surprised that I got them this early, Harry Potter just came out on Tuesday, I was betting that they would come while I was in Canada and that would have made me disappointed. YaY!
Work is going by so slowly! I am sooo bored and I'll be right here again tomorrow! I hate working past 5 because there are few students who come in.
I started cleaning my room last night. I like work that you can see a dramatically different end. You can say "I did that!:)" It makes me feel good that I did something. Maybe that's why I keep my room such a mess? Probably not. My mom always says I keep my room a mess just to make her mad, and it's my way to have something on her. Whatever!
I can't wait until Spring Break! Relaxation! No school, No Ben, No loudness, No homework, No work, .... ahhh ;) Nature, prettiness, Sarah, Books, ...
Work is going by so slowly! I am sooo bored and I'll be right here again tomorrow! I hate working past 5 because there are few students who come in.
I started cleaning my room last night. I like work that you can see a dramatically different end. You can say "I did that!:)" It makes me feel good that I did something. Maybe that's why I keep my room such a mess? Probably not. My mom always says I keep my room a mess just to make her mad, and it's my way to have something on her. Whatever!
I can't wait until Spring Break! Relaxation! No school, No Ben, No loudness, No homework, No work, .... ahhh ;) Nature, prettiness, Sarah, Books, ...
Tuesday, March 7
The countdown has started
5 days left until we start off to Niagara Falls. Way exciting! I have so much to do before we leave. Like laundry, cleaning, packing, figuring out what to pack, getting money from bank, shopping for snacks, figuring out what snacks to take, things to do (entertainment) for the car ride, and etc...
So, if you don't hear from me until I leave don't get too worried. I'm just a little stressed. For no reason.
Toots! Ash
So, if you don't hear from me until I leave don't get too worried. I'm just a little stressed. For no reason.
Toots! Ash
Friday, March 3
The calm after the storm
Today I feel happy.
This week I have read three books. My first and favorite of the three was Goddess of the Rose. It was goood! The second was The Giver. I last time I read the Giver was in fifth grade and I was made to read it so I didn't really "read" it. When I went to the library I saw it in the juvenile section and wanted to reread it. It was good, but not as good as I thought it would be. ? I think they should make a movie about it?. The third was the first book to The chronicles of Narnia. It was also good. I feel like a little kid reading books for little kids.
I feel like a nerd because I have been carrying a book around with me all week.
We get to go shopping today! That will be exciting! I hope we can find some really good books on C.D. It would make our long drive to Niagara Falls more pleasurable.
I'm thinking of skipping class on Saturday. I'm just so bored in there and I want a free Saturday. Talking of Saturday my aunt is having her babyshower. I would like you to come if you want and it doesn't interfere with other plans. My mom and I are going shopping afterwards to buy stuff for Spring Break, so if you want to come. ;)
Well I better get back to work or they will fire me. jk
This week I have read three books. My first and favorite of the three was Goddess of the Rose. It was goood! The second was The Giver. I last time I read the Giver was in fifth grade and I was made to read it so I didn't really "read" it. When I went to the library I saw it in the juvenile section and wanted to reread it. It was good, but not as good as I thought it would be. ? I think they should make a movie about it?. The third was the first book to The chronicles of Narnia. It was also good. I feel like a little kid reading books for little kids.
I feel like a nerd because I have been carrying a book around with me all week.
We get to go shopping today! That will be exciting! I hope we can find some really good books on C.D. It would make our long drive to Niagara Falls more pleasurable.
I'm thinking of skipping class on Saturday. I'm just so bored in there and I want a free Saturday. Talking of Saturday my aunt is having her babyshower. I would like you to come if you want and it doesn't interfere with other plans. My mom and I are going shopping afterwards to buy stuff for Spring Break, so if you want to come. ;)
Well I better get back to work or they will fire me. jk
Wednesday, March 1
I Frighten Myself and I Give Him the Satisfaction of Defeat
I do. I frighten myself a lot. I am one of those people that holds my anger in, and at times I lose control of myself.
If you know my brother then you also know that he is out of control. He is allowed to do whatever he wants and seldom gets punished for it. I'm not saying that I'm perfect. I also got away with many things and so did my sister, but my brother is far worse than I would have ever dreamt of being. My parents aren't what you would call strict.
Today Ben came home with my mother after his therapy (I wish this therapy dealt with his head but it doesn't). They had went to Target and Ben bought some snacks. He handed me some popcorn and said, "Here you can have this, but don't give any to Elisabeth until she is nice to me." I took the bag and gave some to Elisabeth. I knew the only reason she was being mean was because of Ben; 10 minutes before, when Ben wasn't there she was perfectly happy.
Ben, mad at me, slaps me in the head. Hard. I get mad and tell..well scream at him not to touch me. I slap him back in the arm. As soon as I hit him I knew that I shouldn't have. He slaps me again in the face. Very Hard. I walk towards my mom for help. She, of course, is acting like nothing happened. At this moment I am angry, no very angry. His physical abuse always goes unpunished. I tell... well scream at my mom to do something. Nothing happens. He follows me towards my mom. He demands that I give the popcorn back to him. I lay it on the counter in the laundry room, so that I don't have to get near him. He pushes me out of the way to get the bag of popcorn. This makes me more furious than I have ever been.
Inside of me I feel like screaming for no reason, at my mother, and at my brother. I felt my body get hot and tense. I knew what was coming. I tried to calm down, but after looking at my mom who was conviently looking through a magazine and then at my brother who was smiling at me I could control it.
I get in his face and push him with all of my power. He moved back two feet showing how weak I am. This makes me even more angry. I feel my hands ball up into fist and I start swinging with all of my might. I hit him, twice, before the embarrassment and shame take hold. He looked as if he would start laughing. I got all of my things and ran downstairs where I plan on staying the rest of the night.
When I started hitting him all I wanted to do was to make him feel as bad as I did inside. It didn't work. I only accomplished to make myself feel ten times more horrible than I felt before I lost control. You would think now that I realize that nothing good comes from hitting him that I wouldn't do it again, but I tell myself that everytime I hit him and I still do it. I felt so vulnerable and that is the worst feeling in the world. I have lived my whole life vulnerable to other peoples thoughts, comments, and stares. When I feel vulnerable and I am able to do something about it I do. That is usually at people within my family.
I started writing this post in hopes to vent my anger and frustration, but I have done much more than that. I always knew that my vulnerability was the reason I fought back but seeing it written down, and working through what I want to say, and knowing that other people will read it makes me hope that next time I will be able to control myself and think before I act.
If you know my brother then you also know that he is out of control. He is allowed to do whatever he wants and seldom gets punished for it. I'm not saying that I'm perfect. I also got away with many things and so did my sister, but my brother is far worse than I would have ever dreamt of being. My parents aren't what you would call strict.
Today Ben came home with my mother after his therapy (I wish this therapy dealt with his head but it doesn't). They had went to Target and Ben bought some snacks. He handed me some popcorn and said, "Here you can have this, but don't give any to Elisabeth until she is nice to me." I took the bag and gave some to Elisabeth. I knew the only reason she was being mean was because of Ben; 10 minutes before, when Ben wasn't there she was perfectly happy.
Ben, mad at me, slaps me in the head. Hard. I get mad and tell..well scream at him not to touch me. I slap him back in the arm. As soon as I hit him I knew that I shouldn't have. He slaps me again in the face. Very Hard. I walk towards my mom for help. She, of course, is acting like nothing happened. At this moment I am angry, no very angry. His physical abuse always goes unpunished. I tell... well scream at my mom to do something. Nothing happens. He follows me towards my mom. He demands that I give the popcorn back to him. I lay it on the counter in the laundry room, so that I don't have to get near him. He pushes me out of the way to get the bag of popcorn. This makes me more furious than I have ever been.
Inside of me I feel like screaming for no reason, at my mother, and at my brother. I felt my body get hot and tense. I knew what was coming. I tried to calm down, but after looking at my mom who was conviently looking through a magazine and then at my brother who was smiling at me I could control it.
I get in his face and push him with all of my power. He moved back two feet showing how weak I am. This makes me even more angry. I feel my hands ball up into fist and I start swinging with all of my might. I hit him, twice, before the embarrassment and shame take hold. He looked as if he would start laughing. I got all of my things and ran downstairs where I plan on staying the rest of the night.
When I started hitting him all I wanted to do was to make him feel as bad as I did inside. It didn't work. I only accomplished to make myself feel ten times more horrible than I felt before I lost control. You would think now that I realize that nothing good comes from hitting him that I wouldn't do it again, but I tell myself that everytime I hit him and I still do it. I felt so vulnerable and that is the worst feeling in the world. I have lived my whole life vulnerable to other peoples thoughts, comments, and stares. When I feel vulnerable and I am able to do something about it I do. That is usually at people within my family.
I started writing this post in hopes to vent my anger and frustration, but I have done much more than that. I always knew that my vulnerability was the reason I fought back but seeing it written down, and working through what I want to say, and knowing that other people will read it makes me hope that next time I will be able to control myself and think before I act.
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