I feel alone. It's probably because I am alone most of the time. The horrible part is that most of the time I choose to be alone; when I stay in the basement to get away from everyone else. At this point in my life there aren't many things I can look back on and be completely happy with.
I have a horrible attitude which makes it hard for people to totally get along with me. I'm afraid to lose everything. My worst flaw is my stubbornness. I know I'm very stubborn and this is one of my downfalls, but once my stubbornness kicks in I can't remember to keep control of myself.
Control... I believe control is my biggest fear. I am afraid that I will loose control of my life. If I lost control of anything I'm not sure I could handle it. I like to have control over everything gin my life; that's why I get car sick when I'm a passenger in a car or when something doesn't happen the way I want it to. I even try to control people around me hoping that if everything goes the way I want it then my life would be easier, but in reality it makes things harder because I hurt people around me and I make my problems theirs.
Why am I so controlling? What is my problem? Why do I hurt those I love? Why am I afraid to take chances? Why do I have to feel superior to everyone? Why does my life suck? What am I suppose to do now?
I understand it's my fault
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You know what, Ash? You've made a good start here. First, you recognize what you are doing. Then, you try to figure out why. And finally, this is the hard part, you try to change. Everday, try to be better than you were yesterday. Everyday, try to be a better person. I know I want to be a better person, and its hard work. And sometimes I don't want to be good. I know I'm selfish and apathetic. Im working on it, but some days, I don't want to care about other people,darn it. Anyway, I love you and I'm here if you need me!
Sarah Jo
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