ReLiEnT k!

YaYnEsS! Tomorrow is the Relient K concert. It's a bit of happiness entwined with all of this chaos. I want to buy a shirt. Will they have one in my size? For now I'm going to stay optimistic. Sarah gets to go backstage and meet them. I'm jealous, but not too jealous becuase I would feel way uncomfortable and wouldn't know what to say.

Last night I signed up for Blockbuster online. I already have 55 movies on my Queue. Wonder how long it takes to get the first set of movies?

I'm nervous about the Praxis, but I'm sure you are sick of hearing about it. The more I study the worse I feel becuase I realize how much I don't know. I, I, I, I, ok enough.

Sorry I didn't call you after CSI. I felt to sleepy. I'll call you today.

Peace Out

A poem

Life
By: Me :)

Oak tree helicopter flying madly,
Slowly falling, oh so sadly,
Dead in time, in space, in reason,
Forgotten with the change of season.

!Hola!

I got my movies in the mail today! YaY!! I was very surprised that I got them this early, Harry Potter just came out on Tuesday, I was betting that they would come while I was in Canada and that would have made me disappointed. YaY!

Work is going by so slowly! I am sooo bored and I'll be right here again tomorrow! I hate working past 5 because there are few students who come in.

I started cleaning my room last night. I like work that you can see a dramatically different end. You can say "I did that!:)" It makes me feel good that I did something. Maybe that's why I keep my room such a mess? Probably not. My mom always says I keep my room a mess just to make her mad, and it's my way to have something on her. Whatever!

I can't wait until Spring Break! Relaxation! No school, No Ben, No loudness, No homework, No work, .... ahhh ;) Nature, prettiness, Sarah, Books, ...

The countdown has started

5 days left until we start off to Niagara Falls. Way exciting! I have so much to do before we leave. Like laundry, cleaning, packing, figuring out what to pack, getting money from bank, shopping for snacks, figuring out what snacks to take, things to do (entertainment) for the car ride, and etc...

So, if you don't hear from me until I leave don't get too worried. I'm just a little stressed. For no reason.

Toots! Ash

The calm after the storm

Today I feel happy.

This week I have read three books. My first and favorite of the three was Goddess of the Rose. It was goood! The second was The Giver. I last time I read the Giver was in fifth grade and I was made to read it so I didn't really "read" it. When I went to the library I saw it in the juvenile section and wanted to reread it. It was good, but not as good as I thought it would be. ? I think they should make a movie about it?. The third was the first book to The chronicles of Narnia. It was also good. I feel like a little kid reading books for little kids.

I feel like a nerd because I have been carrying a book around with me all week.

We get to go shopping today! That will be exciting! I hope we can find some really good books on C.D. It would make our long drive to Niagara Falls more pleasurable.

I'm thinking of skipping class on Saturday. I'm just so bored in there and I want a free Saturday. Talking of Saturday my aunt is having her babyshower. I would like you to come if you want and it doesn't interfere with other plans. My mom and I are going shopping afterwards to buy stuff for Spring Break, so if you want to come. ;)

Well I better get back to work or they will fire me. jk

I Frighten Myself and I Give Him the Satisfaction of Defeat

I do. I frighten myself a lot. I am one of those people that holds my anger in, and at times I lose control of myself.

If you know my brother then you also know that he is out of control. He is allowed to do whatever he wants and seldom gets punished for it. I'm not saying that I'm perfect. I also got away with many things and so did my sister, but my brother is far worse than I would have ever dreamt of being. My parents aren't what you would call strict.

Today Ben came home with my mother after his therapy (I wish this therapy dealt with his head but it doesn't). They had went to Target and Ben bought some snacks. He handed me some popcorn and said, "Here you can have this, but don't give any to Elisabeth until she is nice to me." I took the bag and gave some to Elisabeth. I knew the only reason she was being mean was because of Ben; 10 minutes before, when Ben wasn't there she was perfectly happy.

Ben, mad at me, slaps me in the head. Hard. I get mad and tell..well scream at him not to touch me. I slap him back in the arm. As soon as I hit him I knew that I shouldn't have. He slaps me again in the face. Very Hard. I walk towards my mom for help. She, of course, is acting like nothing happened. At this moment I am angry, no very angry. His physical abuse always goes unpunished. I tell... well scream at my mom to do something. Nothing happens. He follows me towards my mom. He demands that I give the popcorn back to him. I lay it on the counter in the laundry room, so that I don't have to get near him. He pushes me out of the way to get the bag of popcorn. This makes me more furious than I have ever been.

Inside of me I feel like screaming for no reason, at my mother, and at my brother. I felt my body get hot and tense. I knew what was coming. I tried to calm down, but after looking at my mom who was conviently looking through a magazine and then at my brother who was smiling at me I could control it.

I get in his face and push him with all of my power. He moved back two feet showing how weak I am. This makes me even more angry. I feel my hands ball up into fist and I start swinging with all of my might. I hit him, twice, before the embarrassment and shame take hold. He looked as if he would start laughing. I got all of my things and ran downstairs where I plan on staying the rest of the night.

When I started hitting him all I wanted to do was to make him feel as bad as I did inside. It didn't work. I only accomplished to make myself feel ten times more horrible than I felt before I lost control. You would think now that I realize that nothing good comes from hitting him that I wouldn't do it again, but I tell myself that everytime I hit him and I still do it. I felt so vulnerable and that is the worst feeling in the world. I have lived my whole life vulnerable to other peoples thoughts, comments, and stares. When I feel vulnerable and I am able to do something about it I do. That is usually at people within my family.

I started writing this post in hopes to vent my anger and frustration, but I have done much more than that. I always knew that my vulnerability was the reason I fought back but seeing it written down, and working through what I want to say, and knowing that other people will read it makes me hope that next time I will be able to control myself and think before I act.

Wow! I haven't updated in a while

Well there is nothing interesting that is happening in my life... unless you consider school interesting. My blog is boring! It's because, lets face it, I am boring. I have nothing entertaining to talk about and I'm not artistic, so what else is there except updating you on my boring life.

Well here's the latest update. I got a B on my Science test. Not what I was expecting but what I deserve because I didn't study that much. I have a lot of up coming projects I have to start on. My Lesson plan for Science, my tree report for Botany, my literature project for math, and later my report for Nursing. Fun!!!

I'm at work right now eating corn pops for lunch. Corn pops are good when you eat them dry.

I hate Fridays because I have to get up early and I have a three hour break from 10-1 and I get very lonely and bored.

I'm going to download yahoo messenger on the computer at work, so late at night when I am here I can talk to you! That sound good? ashflow6 what a stupid name maybe I should get a new name like aclaysweetie? or powerrangersrock?

Well I'm done for now.

Tell Me Something I Didn't Already Know!

Lauren is a complete and utter moron. This week she was checking the Findlay website to make sure that Nick's spring Break was right. She was wrong! Nick's spring break is the week before ours, so he isn't going to be able to go. I am still trying to talk her into going but I'm not sure if she will. Can we say "Lauren is a complete and utter moron?" That's fine we can still have a good time without them.

Took my EDT 182 test today. It was way long! I'm thinking I pull a B. Well I'm at work not working and I think that is a bad thing so I should do something. Talk at you later! LoVe

By the Hair on my Chiny-Chin-Chin

I got an A-- on my Botany test; 90%.

Enough Said... well, written

Whew!

Today I took my first test in Botany. It was really hard. I studied my notes for hours and I read all the material. The test didn't follow the notes at all so I'm concerned about my grade. Hopefully I won't completely bomb it. I would be happy with a C.

I wore my new shoes today! They are really loud when I walk down the hall. Right now my feet are hurting because I have been walking all over campus. I'm also wearing my new socks. I found out that if you have a shoe that is low cut in the front then you can wear your socks backwards and then they fit better and you can't see them.

Update

I am reading Ender's Game. I am defiantly more involved with this reading than my previous. So far I really like the book, but I'm only to page 30. I have just learned that Ender has been chosen to go away to Battle School and he has accepted this invitation. I have four and a half hours of work to go so I should get far. I'm really not suppose to be reading for leisure only school material.

What kind of story should I write about? Who should I make the main character? Past or futuristic? Magical or not? You tell me.

Shhh... I'm at work

Today has been a fun day. I finished up my Science project because I thought we had until Wednesday to present but my prof switched our day to Monday. We had to make a powerpoint and I like those. There are so many different things to do with the slides.

I'm too negative. I always think about the negative first. When planning ahead the negative is easier for me to see and the positive doesn't dawn on me until after the fact. I suppose once I have experienced *anything that sounds interesting* I am more willing to see the good that came out of it. I've been trying to change, but it's hard. Everyone around me is negative...well most people (you not included).

In the past couple of years I didn't see my dad very often, but lately I have been enjoying his company more. My brother, my dad and I have started playing pool everynight. It is fun. I love hearing my dad's stories he always has someone to make fun of. I really am bad at pool, I can only get better so what's there to lose?

For my blog I'm going to start writing a series story. Every week or so I'm going to add to my story. It will be interesting to see where it goes.

Well I only have 10 minutes until I go home, so toot-a-loo until next time.

That's messed up!

I seriously have obsessive compulsive disorder! I was watching Dr. Phil last week and his guest had extreme cases of OCD. I believe that I have a form of OCD were I count everything.

While I'm walking I count. I try to get two steps in between each crack in the sidewalk and if I don't then I feel weird like I need to redo it.

While I'm driving I count the cracks in the road, I count cars, pedestrians, mailboxes, and I even take the numbers on mailboxes and add them together to see if it is even or odd and if it is odd it is "bad".

When at school or work I write notes over and over until my hand writing is perfect and all the letters are the same size and spacing. Recently I have started to type my notes out so I don't use so much paper. At work when taking a phone message I can write it and re-write it three to four times. So far in my checking book I have ripped out three pages because the transactions were out of order and my handwriting was bad.

Throughout my day I count and count and count. I count stairs, patterns, and other totally random objects. I like even numbers and multiples of three.

I'm probably being a hypochondriac but this is my life and what goes on inside my head.

I have left message with machine and human.

You are a very hard person to get ahold of! I wanted to let you know that I received our Relient K tickets.

"We were talking together and I said 'What's up with this weather'"

Yesterday it was around 50 degrees outside and today it's 30 degrees with an inch of snow on the ground. Now that's Ohio weather for ya. I can't wait until there is a "High of 75" that's the perfect temperture.

I put pictures on my facebook the other night. I had lots of fun taking my pictures, becuase I have no pictures of any of my friends or my family. It's all my fault because I deleted them all when I restored my computer. Idiot! I'm going to start carrying my camera around with me so that I have more pictures

I bit my tongue really bad and now there is a permanent bump on the bottom, and it feels like I have food caught under my tongue

I'm finding that I have limited time for myself. There's no time to do anything except school, work, and some homework, but this is no different than previous semesters so what am I complaining about?

I did rent three movies the other night and I was much happy with my choices. I got Sky High (very good movie I want to buy it), Fantastic 4 (also a good movie and I'm considering buying it), and Mr and Mrs Smith (also a very good movie).

Well I'm off to observe the night sky and then researching comets and asteroids and then ending my night with some CSI. Love to all!

Catch up

School started today! Last night at about 12:30 AM I was checking my schedule on-line and saw that in fact I do have lab the first week, so I hurried to bed and had to get up at 7:30 AM. A lot of my friends from last semester are in many of my new classes, except Sarah :( , so hopefully school will go a little faster.

This Saturday at 6:00 I am having a home and Garden party at my house and you are invited! I know it isn't very exciting, but it is a favor for the women who sells the stuff. She is new and has only done a couple of parties, so my mom and I planned a party so she could have some extra practice. There's free food and door prizes and it only takes up about an hour and a half of your night.

I start my job officially tomorrow! Kinda nervous because I will be at the front desk all by myself. Wish me luck! Adios for now! Love ya!

i Pod...

I told my mom not to get me one, but she did and I'm glad because it is way awesome! I'm going to take it everywere.

Spiraled Crap on a Stick Fried

There aren't very many instances that I have to brag about me or to have my family brag about me, and when I finally have a great reason to look for adornment there is none. This semester I received a 3.70 GPA; I had the final grades of 3-A's and 1-B. Not even in High School, or ever, did I get these kind of grades. I was ecstatic! I finally got to brag about my good grades, instead of Lauren taking all the glory.

When I first learned of my good grades everyone was sleeping, so I printed a sheet off, wrote a note to my mom, and laid it across her purse so she couldn't miss it. The next morning I woke up for work and as I was leaving I saw the note and there was no response. I was slightly upset, so on my home from work I called my mom and she said she had seen it and she was happy for me. She did congratulate me but, according to me, not enough. I was way more excited than she was. She had always wanted me to get good grades, and now that I had finally done it she wasn't that excited. And above all I had received my good grades at college level! Out of my whole family Lauren was the most excited for me, and she even offered to take me shopping and to buy me lunch. If it wasn't for her...

Today has been a sucky day! I got up at 9:30 to help my mom clean and cook, but the day didn't turn out that way. My mom defiantly turns psycho around kids and yet she wants to get another one. Whatever!

I was told yesterday to do laundry, so when I got home from work that's what I did. In all I washed, dried, and folded three loads of laundry, and there were still two left to do. In my mothers eyes I did nothing because the laundry wasn't completely finished, so today I woke up to start the rest of the laundry, but that wasn't good enough because Lauren had been up since 8:30 cleaning the whole upstairs. Lauren is always better at everything. She is my mother's perfect child and in return Lauren is able to do whatever she wants.

I'm not the child that sneaks people into the house at 1:00 AM to drink and play pool, I'm not the child that is so dependent on my parents that they have to by my gas and support my weekly "fun time", and I'm most certainly not the child that smokes pot and sneaks friends over to the camp fire to drink and vandalize other peoples properties. And I'm also not the child that is the favorite, and in order to be the favorite I guess I will have to start smoking pot, drinking on a regular basis, and mooching money from everyone that has the breath of life. I'm not perfect but I do deserve more than what has been dealt.

Right now I'm at the lowest I've ever been! And I wish it would end!

I haven't told Joanie

I got a new job! yayness! I'm now going to be working in the student services office in johnston hall. My boss Regina Williams is way awesome. I think the work atmosphere will be way better than at Krogers, so hopefully I will enjoy my job and look forward to going to work everyday. I will be responsible for is answering three telephone lines, scheduling appointments, mail, helping students, and any odd jobs that the advisors want me to do. The only thing I'm nervous about is trying to remember all the advisors names and answering and transferring phone calls. I never have to work the weekends or holidays and my requested hours are Tues, Thurs, and Fri 12-7.

I haven't told Joanie and I'm quite scared. Hopefully she wont kill me! I will miss seeing kaitlynn all the time.

This weekend, Sat night or Sun, I'm planning on getting everyone together to play cards. I'm going to make sure Ben isn't there so the noise will be minimal. I hope everyone can make it because I need to have a day of relaxing family time. All of my exams have taken a toll on my stress level, but I'm sure you understand completely.