I Frighten Myself and I Give Him the Satisfaction of Defeat

I do. I frighten myself a lot. I am one of those people that holds my anger in, and at times I lose control of myself.

If you know my brother then you also know that he is out of control. He is allowed to do whatever he wants and seldom gets punished for it. I'm not saying that I'm perfect. I also got away with many things and so did my sister, but my brother is far worse than I would have ever dreamt of being. My parents aren't what you would call strict.

Today Ben came home with my mother after his therapy (I wish this therapy dealt with his head but it doesn't). They had went to Target and Ben bought some snacks. He handed me some popcorn and said, "Here you can have this, but don't give any to Elisabeth until she is nice to me." I took the bag and gave some to Elisabeth. I knew the only reason she was being mean was because of Ben; 10 minutes before, when Ben wasn't there she was perfectly happy.

Ben, mad at me, slaps me in the head. Hard. I get mad and tell..well scream at him not to touch me. I slap him back in the arm. As soon as I hit him I knew that I shouldn't have. He slaps me again in the face. Very Hard. I walk towards my mom for help. She, of course, is acting like nothing happened. At this moment I am angry, no very angry. His physical abuse always goes unpunished. I tell... well scream at my mom to do something. Nothing happens. He follows me towards my mom. He demands that I give the popcorn back to him. I lay it on the counter in the laundry room, so that I don't have to get near him. He pushes me out of the way to get the bag of popcorn. This makes me more furious than I have ever been.

Inside of me I feel like screaming for no reason, at my mother, and at my brother. I felt my body get hot and tense. I knew what was coming. I tried to calm down, but after looking at my mom who was conviently looking through a magazine and then at my brother who was smiling at me I could control it.

I get in his face and push him with all of my power. He moved back two feet showing how weak I am. This makes me even more angry. I feel my hands ball up into fist and I start swinging with all of my might. I hit him, twice, before the embarrassment and shame take hold. He looked as if he would start laughing. I got all of my things and ran downstairs where I plan on staying the rest of the night.

When I started hitting him all I wanted to do was to make him feel as bad as I did inside. It didn't work. I only accomplished to make myself feel ten times more horrible than I felt before I lost control. You would think now that I realize that nothing good comes from hitting him that I wouldn't do it again, but I tell myself that everytime I hit him and I still do it. I felt so vulnerable and that is the worst feeling in the world. I have lived my whole life vulnerable to other peoples thoughts, comments, and stares. When I feel vulnerable and I am able to do something about it I do. That is usually at people within my family.

I started writing this post in hopes to vent my anger and frustration, but I have done much more than that. I always knew that my vulnerability was the reason I fought back but seeing it written down, and working through what I want to say, and knowing that other people will read it makes me hope that next time I will be able to control myself and think before I act.