*Title*

Confusion, Anxiety, Happiness, Failure, Fear, Disappointment, Honesty, Timid, Love,

Imagine a big bowl full of vegetable soup. Yummy! Carrots, green beans, cabbage, tomato, peas, those alphabet noodles... Then take a spoon and swirl it around and around in the bowl. The soup spins and spins. The vegetables in the soup are moving around and around, yet in an ordered fashion. Certain vegetables surface, but as soon as they do they disappear under the surface. The spinning is fast at first and you have to swirl your spoon just right so that the soup doesn't spill over the edges, but as you stop swirling the spinning slows and slows... until it stops completely. No movement. No personality. All the vegetables under the surface hiding. Waiting.

This is what my head feels like. All these emotions and feelings spinning around and around. I think about how I am feeling... what's going on in my head, but as soon as I try to straighten my thoughts out... or to think seriously about something, I divert myself. I don't allow myself to figure myself out. I want to fix me! I am afraid I have lost myself forever. Well, I guess I needed to know myself before I could lose myself...

Where do I begin?

I am unhappy. I am lost... in my thoughts, my memories, the expectations I had for myself. I'm lost in my life. I want to find myself. I want to know who I am and what I enjoy doing. Not what I pretend to enjoy or what I feel I have to enjoy for everyone else. I have spent my life trying to make everyone around me happy. Thinking that if I made them feel good and did what they wanted they would like me and look past all my flaws. I'm fake. Not only to everyone around me but to myself.

Well, hear me roar! I am ready. I want so deeply to find myself. To know myself intimately. To have a voice, and to be heard. I am worth listening to. Even if what I say is sometimes jumbled. I'm going to dip my toes into the many puddles of life, and if one is interesting I will jump in with both feet and splash others around me so they can enjoy life with me. I want to be full of happiness, laughter, and love...

Loser signing out

Well I'm taking the semester off school. I feel like a loser. I just don't have the energy to do it, and I feel if I keep trying my health will never get any better. I keep telling myself that "sometimes you have to think about yourself", it doesn't make me feel any better. Well that's all.

Why are oceans blue?

The first day of school was very tiring. I was at school from 10AM- 4Pm and then 7PM-10PM. Whew! I found out after yesterday that when I get home I'm too tired to do anything especially homework, so I suppose I will have to try and get my homework done during my 3 hour break. I'm going to hate this semester. The only bright side is that I get every Friday and Saturday off. Well I need to clean my room it is a mess and I need to get it done before my mom and dad leave for China.

I,I,I,I That's all you'll find here

This week has been eventful and promising.

I started a new book, Eragon. I'm thankful that it isn't a "let down" like the last books I read. I'm halfway through the book and I really like it, although, I keep thinking about Lord of the Rings as I'm reading. I suppose it has to do with all the magic, elves, dwarfs, and so on. I can't wait to finish it.

This week I have been watching the girls. They are a real handful. Kaitlynn is going through the awkward phase of not being understood when she talks. She gets so frustrated; the look on her face as she repeats, over and over, what she wants makes my heart break, and I can't do anything but say, "I can't understand", "I'm sorry", "Try to show me what you want"... Most of the time she gives up and starts to pout. Elisabeth... Well there's not much to say... She is still Elisabeth, with her girlie attitude and determination.

Tomorrow I'm going shopping with my sister and then I'm off to spend some time with my friends. I have coupons to Lane Bryant and Fashion Bug, so I will be spending most of my check on clothes and accessories. Then later I'm going over to Misty's house to see her, Stephanie, Sarah, and Levi. It will be fun because her mom and step dad are out of town this weekend, so we don't have to walk around on tip-toes around her mom.

My Aunt Missy called me today and wants me to house sit next week, August 8-11. I'm going to do it, but that is also the week I told my job that I would probably come back. I don't want to do both. I suppose, even though I'm dreading it, I need to call my work tomorrow and tell them I'm not going to come back until the next week. That will be a month off work, and man will I hate myself when school starts and there's no money.

Well I'm done playing catch up.

Disbelief.Denial.Bargaining.Guilt.Anger.Acceptance.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. My actions ruined your day and everyone else's. I really do hate family drama, and today I was the reason for the drama... I was told by many people that your mom admitted to it, but I'm not sure that is the truth. I should have never said anything especially if it was rumor. I really am sorry.

Blah, Blah, Blah.... And so on

Wow! I haven't posted in a while. It's mostly to do with my busy and totally uninteresting life. Many things have happened since my last post, but none worth wasting my time or yours. Well that's not true. There have been some life altering events in the past month, but I don't want to talk about them. For the past three weeks my life has been revolving around the same three topics and I want something new. There is nothing new. Oh well I suppose I'll have to wait around until something surfaces. Hopefully it doesn't take too long because I may lose my sanity.

Here she is!

Isn't she adorable!

Isabel Grace Clay

Today we got our adoption referral. Our baby is soo cute. She doesn't look very Asian and she is somewhat bald, but she is still cute. My mom is crazy for wanting another child. I have been trying to talk her out of it since she started the process, but now is the point where I have to shut up and start supporting her. She already has the papers signed and mailed.

Attack of the Rat Man!

I watch this video all the time. Each time it makes me laugh until I cry. It is soo funny.

Well guess what. I have my family reunion this weekend ( I totally forgot) so the Cheesecake factory is a no, unless you want to go on Thursday night. My party isn't until Friday, so Thursday is good with me or we can wait to go next weekend. It is up to you.

If You Were to Die Today Would You be Happy With Your Life Achievements?

I stole sun glasses from Target... It happened on accident. I was looking at the Clearance items, and I found sunglasses that I liked. I was holding them in my hand for a long time, but then I wanted to pick something up so I hooked the glasses to my purse. Well...I forgot all about them. I went through the line, walked out the door, drove home and still didn't realize they were hooked to my purse.

Two days later I found the sun glasses in my my floor half way under my seat. At first I thought they were Lauren's, but then I saw the tag. My heart dropped. My body felt cold and hot at the same time.

What am I supposed to do? Take them back to the store two days later and say, "I stole these and now I have decided to pay for them." Yeah Right!I feel like a criminal. Did the alarm go off in the store? Did anyone see me?

Whew!

This weekend was a really long one. Lauren's graduation party was this weekend, so I helped my parents prepare for the party. I had lots of fun. I played three games of volleyball, played in the pool, and talked to my family. I ended up getting sun burned. It's not an oww that hurts burn, but rather a hah I will be tan in a few days kind of burn.

This week I only have to work today. It's going to be a long day. I hope too many people aren't calling me on the phone and cussing at me. Great the phone is ringing... Regina my boss answered, so far so good.

My dad made an offer on 30+ acres of land last week. He is supposed to be contacted this week to see if we get it or not. The land is so pretty. There is a stream that cuts through the front, we will have to build a bridge to get across. There is enough room for a pond and to ride our four wheelers. My dad said that if he got the land he would sell his Harley. "They are too dangerous. I don't want to get killed right in the middle of a big change and leave your mother alone to handle it." I thought it was cute...

Well I better get back to work. Not that there is a lot to do.

What else can I say?

I haven't written in a while. I want to write but I am not sure what to write or I suppose I'm not sure of how to go about writing what I am truly feeling.

I check on my blog often. I come to visit and re-read things I wrote in my past, I check to see if I have comments, but most of the time I stare at the screen wanting so badly to spill my secrets and deep feelings. I never do.

Sometimes I check on my blog to see if anything new has been written, not necessarily comments but posts. I know there will be nothing but I check often... daily. Weird...Well, I know I am...

Lately, I have been disappointed in people. It's not necessarily their fault either. I just don't feel like I have the support I want and need. I always try to support people. And if I believe they are doing the wrong thing I try to give my input. I always welcome input. I may not listen or may get a little mad at first but in the end I always appreciate it. Mostly because people think differently, they may see a possible outcome that you did not. If they support what you are doing then they can make you feel more comfortable about your decisions. I suppose that's why I'm disappointed because I don't feel comfortable.

An OMG Moment!

Final Grades were posted today. I was nervous. I got all A's; that's a 3.86.
Yah Buddy!

####Ashley's####Life####

Lately I have felt that I have a void in my life. Like I'm not complete. I'm not sure what to do with this void. I have tried to feel it with many things: family, friends, food, school; but none work. In respect I feel like a failure. Being a "failure" doesn't make me depressed or angry like you would assume, but mostly I feel on edge and unsettled.

I feel like I have no direction in my life. One day I want this and the next something totally opposite, and each day I feel totally content with my decisions. I suppose you can just call me a girl or immature.

Ramblings of a bored student worker

Hi!

I got my work schedule for the next few weeks and I have less hours, but that doesn't bother me any.

I keep getting the hic-ups.

I'm so bored right now! Stuck at work with nothing to do... Well I could be studying but we know that's not going to happen. I'm so bored I'm sleepy! I want a raspberry white chocolate mocha!

It's funny how you can't tell how much time has passed for me by reading this. I was just on the phone for 7m and 39s with a student who told me her life story and how she hated her aerobics professor and how she needed to talk to someone to get her prof in trouble. grr... The name Students Services is just a big advertisement to students wanting any type of service. We should rename our office "can't find that here" or "that's upstairs".

Ok I'm done rambling! I have no more energy to ramble or I would keep going.

A question

In what ways can a classroom be like a family or should I not go there?

DaRn It!

Today I was thinking about postcards. Don't ask! I have no idea why. I just realized that the postcard I sent my family from Canada never made it to them. That makes me much sad. I hate the mail system! Grrr!

I have to do a project on the Savanna for one of my classes. I've decided to play a clip from The Lion King. I think the part where Simba has taken his spot as king and the land that was on fire is put out by the rain and all the bad and evil is washed away will be a good clip. I love that movie it makes me cry everytime. I'm also going to try and find some cookie cutters shaped like the animals of the savanna and make some sugar cookies to pass out. Some times it's great being an early education major because I get to act like a big kid.

Toots for now!

"Do you like my sweater?"

My head hurts... I'm so stressed! College, at times, sucks!

In all of my classes I have group presentations and/or reports. Why do professors save huge projects for the end of the semester? It is stupid especially if they expect the students to actually try and do a good job. Most people blow off end of the semester projects. I know I'm half tempted, but there is the issue of trying to get into the Cohort. Miami University Oxford... *insert bad thoughts*

Ok that's enough sulking over the inevitable.

Something happy...? Anything... Aha I know: I went to see my baby cousin,Jenna, last night. She is around 30 days old. She is so beautiful. I love her to death, already. The last time I saw her she slept the whole time, but last night she was awake most of the time. She has beautiful blue eyes.

I'm so hungry I haven't eaten all day. I want a big Marble Mocha Maciatto and a cinnamon scone. Too bad I'm poor.

Y'all come back now ya hear

Your Linguistic Profile:

75% General American English

10% Yankee

5% Dixie

5% Midwestern

5% Upper Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?