Sunday, September 27
I Am An Idiot!
I just did something I know I will regret. I don't know why I would put myself in the positon that what I did may create. My heart was pounding the whole time... that should have been enough for me to know that I shouldn't be doing what I was doing. Now all I can do is wait... and hopefully nothing comes of it.
Thursday, September 24
Relationships F***ing Kill Me
Lately, I have been thinking about relationships and it seems to always be on topic with whoever I'm spending time with. Relationships are too complicated. I have decided that this particular topic could take the rest of my life to figure out. What good that would be.
What creates a healthy relationship? There are so many bad things that can go wrong in a relationship, and the bad things are discussed often. What about the good?
What can a person do for another, when in a relationship, that would be considered healthy and unchanging to that persons self? The beginning of a relationship is so hard. The new, the unknown, and the awkwardness can work for and against you. We all want to be ourselves but how much pressure is unknowingly influencing us? Do we do things, with the best interest of the relationship in mind, that we think the other person wants? And then once the relationship has progressed and it feels secure do we unknowingly stop doing these things.
I am guilty of this in my past relationships. I try to be the best and I try to do everything in my power to make my boyfriend happy, but after a while it slows down. I am not sure why. It may be because I never liked to do all the things I was doing. I may thought I enjoyed it because of the gratitude I received, the self-fulfilling emotions of taking care of someone, or the comment "your not like other girls I have dated." (If I were like the other girls then the relationship will end, so I try and try to do everything to make them happy and be the girl that's not like the rest.) Or I may stop being so eager to make them happy because I stop receiving what I need from them to maintain my happiness. I know it's a combination of many things that has caused me to become less motivated to keep them as happy as possible. Is that horrible?
I have made my mistakes... and it's hard not to make them again. I have told myself to just be yourself. If it goes well then it goes well if not then hopefully there wasn't a lot of commitment and it was figured out sooner than later. But it's hard to stay aware of myself and my actions all the time, and I care too much about what people think of me. I have always cared too much about what others think of me.
Everyone of them I have dated has said, "Your not like the others." That's right I'm not like the others I'm Ashley. I am my own damn it! I don't care about the others. I don't want to know their downfalls. What they did to aggravate you. I don't care about you and her. I care about us and knowing that if I did something that bothered you or hurt you that you could tell me and we could fix it like adults. On an ending note... :)
What creates a healthy relationship? There are so many bad things that can go wrong in a relationship, and the bad things are discussed often. What about the good?
What can a person do for another, when in a relationship, that would be considered healthy and unchanging to that persons self? The beginning of a relationship is so hard. The new, the unknown, and the awkwardness can work for and against you. We all want to be ourselves but how much pressure is unknowingly influencing us? Do we do things, with the best interest of the relationship in mind, that we think the other person wants? And then once the relationship has progressed and it feels secure do we unknowingly stop doing these things.
I am guilty of this in my past relationships. I try to be the best and I try to do everything in my power to make my boyfriend happy, but after a while it slows down. I am not sure why. It may be because I never liked to do all the things I was doing. I may thought I enjoyed it because of the gratitude I received, the self-fulfilling emotions of taking care of someone, or the comment "your not like other girls I have dated." (If I were like the other girls then the relationship will end, so I try and try to do everything to make them happy and be the girl that's not like the rest.) Or I may stop being so eager to make them happy because I stop receiving what I need from them to maintain my happiness. I know it's a combination of many things that has caused me to become less motivated to keep them as happy as possible. Is that horrible?
I have made my mistakes... and it's hard not to make them again. I have told myself to just be yourself. If it goes well then it goes well if not then hopefully there wasn't a lot of commitment and it was figured out sooner than later. But it's hard to stay aware of myself and my actions all the time, and I care too much about what people think of me. I have always cared too much about what others think of me.
Everyone of them I have dated has said, "Your not like the others." That's right I'm not like the others I'm Ashley. I am my own damn it! I don't care about the others. I don't want to know their downfalls. What they did to aggravate you. I don't care about you and her. I care about us and knowing that if I did something that bothered you or hurt you that you could tell me and we could fix it like adults. On an ending note... :)
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