Failing...

The hole inside of me is a particular shape with a fierce objection. I do not know what to do with this hole. I cant find the right pieces to fix it or the right attitude to keep it hidden. I am scared and confused, and it is my own fault. I just want so much to be happy and for everyone around me to be happy, but all I can seem to manage is tearing the heart out of everyone I love.

I Am An Idiot!

I just did something I know I will regret. I don't know why I would put myself in the positon that what I did may create. My heart was pounding the whole time... that should have been enough for me to know that I shouldn't be doing what I was doing. Now all I can do is wait... and hopefully nothing comes of it.

Relationships F***ing Kill Me

Lately, I have been thinking about relationships and it seems to always be on topic with whoever I'm spending time with. Relationships are too complicated. I have decided that this particular topic could take the rest of my life to figure out. What good that would be.

What creates a healthy relationship? There are so many bad things that can go wrong in a relationship, and the bad things are discussed often. What about the good?

What can a person do for another, when in a relationship, that would be considered healthy and unchanging to that persons self? The beginning of a relationship is so hard. The new, the unknown, and the awkwardness can work for and against you. We all want to be ourselves but how much pressure is unknowingly influencing us? Do we do things, with the best interest of the relationship in mind, that we think the other person wants? And then once the relationship has progressed and it feels secure do we unknowingly stop doing these things.

I am guilty of this in my past relationships. I try to be the best and I try to do everything in my power to make my boyfriend happy, but after a while it slows down. I am not sure why. It may be because I never liked to do all the things I was doing. I may thought I enjoyed it because of the gratitude I received, the self-fulfilling emotions of taking care of someone, or the comment "your not like other girls I have dated." (If I were like the other girls then the relationship will end, so I try and try to do everything to make them happy and be the girl that's not like the rest.) Or I may stop being so eager to make them happy because I stop receiving what I need from them to maintain my happiness. I know it's a combination of many things that has caused me to become less motivated to keep them as happy as possible. Is that horrible?

I have made my mistakes... and it's hard not to make them again. I have told myself to just be yourself. If it goes well then it goes well if not then hopefully there wasn't a lot of commitment and it was figured out sooner than later. But it's hard to stay aware of myself and my actions all the time, and I care too much about what people think of me. I have always cared too much about what others think of me.


Everyone of them I have dated has said, "Your not like the others." That's right I'm not like the others I'm Ashley. I am my own damn it! I don't care about the others. I don't want to know their downfalls. What they did to aggravate you. I don't care about you and her. I care about us and knowing that if I did something that bothered you or hurt you that you could tell me and we could fix it like adults. On an ending note... :)

I cried and it was girly

I went to the movies with Sarah Jo last night. We seen The Time Travelers Wife. It was good... I cried.

This made me start thinking about how differently I think now than I did a few years ago. Before I never let my self be "girly" because I never expected my life to involve the opposite sex, love, or all those girly feelings. Now that I'm a new person I have realized that I can have those kinds of relationships and it can be nice to feel these feelings. These feelings are so powerful it's scary. It's like a high... a very addictive high. If a person had this affect on you what would you do for that person? I know what I'm capable of when I'm in "love".

Four years ago I had never felt some of the feelings I have experienced now... As much as I liked it then I wish I would never have felt it now... or at least I wish I could have experienced it later in my life when I was ready.

Dance Dance Revolution Would Have Been Easier...

Last night I went to a dance class at the gym with Sarah Jo. It was awesome! I know I looked like a total fool, I didn't have the moves just right and I was shaking my hips when I shouldn't have been, but i want to go back. It made me feel girly to be in a room full of women dancing, twisting and jumping. I was a little self conscience about it, but next time I am going to try and be a little more outgoing and carefree.

I complain when life is too complicated, and I complain when life is too boring. Is there a happy medium or do I need to learn how to stop complaining? Humpf...

Last night I was eating at McDonald's and at the table next to me was a group of young boys, around 4th grade I believe, they were having a great time. It seemed they had no worries in life but to have fun. I remember those days... They would talk to me and make me laugh and I would talk to them and make them laugh.

It made me start thinking about how I want to be more outgoing. How I wish that I could talk to anyone and keep a decent conversation, and be able to speak my mind and not worry about who may disagree.

I have a busy weekend coming up. Friday is my daddy's birthday, so we are having a party at my mamaw's after work. After the party everyone is going over to railroad day's in Carlisle to walk around. And after all of this if there is still time in the day I'm going to a bonfire to visit with my favorite person Sarah Jo! I'm going to have a busy weekend but it's going to be exciting!

Soft Peppermints Are Good!

I have been looking out at the beautiful day for too long! I am about to go crazy. I want to feel the sun on my skin and the wind in my hair, but not until 5:15 when this prison releases me.

*Title*

Confusion, Anxiety, Happiness, Failure, Fear, Disappointment, Honesty, Timid, Love,

Imagine a big bowl full of vegetable soup. Yummy! Carrots, green beans, cabbage, tomato, peas, those alphabet noodles... Then take a spoon and swirl it around and around in the bowl. The soup spins and spins. The vegetables in the soup are moving around and around, yet in an ordered fashion. Certain vegetables surface, but as soon as they do they disappear under the surface. The spinning is fast at first and you have to swirl your spoon just right so that the soup doesn't spill over the edges, but as you stop swirling the spinning slows and slows... until it stops completely. No movement. No personality. All the vegetables under the surface hiding. Waiting.

This is what my head feels like. All these emotions and feelings spinning around and around. I think about how I am feeling... what's going on in my head, but as soon as I try to straighten my thoughts out... or to think seriously about something, I divert myself. I don't allow myself to figure myself out. I want to fix me! I am afraid I have lost myself forever. Well, I guess I needed to know myself before I could lose myself...

Where do I begin?

I am unhappy. I am lost... in my thoughts, my memories, the expectations I had for myself. I'm lost in my life. I want to find myself. I want to know who I am and what I enjoy doing. Not what I pretend to enjoy or what I feel I have to enjoy for everyone else. I have spent my life trying to make everyone around me happy. Thinking that if I made them feel good and did what they wanted they would like me and look past all my flaws. I'm fake. Not only to everyone around me but to myself.

Well, hear me roar! I am ready. I want so deeply to find myself. To know myself intimately. To have a voice, and to be heard. I am worth listening to. Even if what I say is sometimes jumbled. I'm going to dip my toes into the many puddles of life, and if one is interesting I will jump in with both feet and splash others around me so they can enjoy life with me. I want to be full of happiness, laughter, and love...