What goes on in my head

I was driving home from work tonight and my mind was going crazy! I would drive by something and it would trigger al these memories! It is amazing how one memory can stir many different emotions!

Remember when...

• At Rachel's wedding your mom parked the Jimmy on a hill that was at a right angle! When you opened the door it flung open, but on the other side it was impossible to open the door. I can still see grandma getting out of the car and wishing that she was a little faster because the car looked like it was going to topple over any minute.
• Remember when we would stay all night with grandpa and there would always be chocolate doughnuts waiting for us when we woke up.
• Digging a hole in grandma's side yard because we thought a troll lived there!
• Going to bed at midnight, but talking until 2:00.
• Being scared to death to go in the deep end of grandma's pool because Joanie said that we would get sucked up by the vent.
• Spending the night at grandma's and being woken up by her banging the vacuum against the door on "accident".

Well I'm done for tonight!

Guilt

Do you know that feeling?? The feeling after you hurt someone you truly love? Well I'm feeling this. It's an overwhelming feeling of sadness, anxieties, doubt, depression and hatred towards yourself. If I could do it all over it would have been very different. The only thing that's holding me together is knowing our bond is very strong and we will eventually communicate again, but right know I will let the waves settle. I just want you to know that I'm truly sorry for hurting you and I Love You!

Need to Vent

I am so full of anger! Two days ago my brother had a friend spend the night. I worked until 10:30, but when I got home they kept bugging me to take them to McDonald's. I said no because I had no gas and I was very tired. They still bugged me. The next day around 12:00 I was going to get Elisabeth McDonald's. When I was walking to my car I noticed something very nasty on the driveway as I got closer I realized it was a broken egg. This pondered me. I just shrugged and kept walking. I got to my car and I noticed that it had been egged. Now, I've heard that eggs can ruin the paint of our car and these eggs have been on there for a while because they are crusty. I was furious! The only people that could have done this was Ben and his friend. The worse part was that Ben wasn't home so I couldn't hurt him. when I returned home from McDonald's I told my mom and the only thing she did was give me $2 to go clean my car. Now I'm not a parent and I'm not a child expert, but that was not a punishment. I haven't seen Ben these past two days and I had cooled down, but I came home from work tonight and there he was and the moment I saw him I became furious all over again. I asked him why he did it and he shrugged his shoulders. I wanted to punch him in the face or worse! I didn't, but I'm still regretting that decision!

What I'm Scared of

I'm scared of many things, but I try not to show it. When it comes to insects I most fear big hairy spiders or tiny fast spiders. They are just so ugly and...ugh enough with the spiders. Snakes are weird, but they only scare me when they sneak up on me. I'm afraid of dreams what they may show me. New people scare me to death, you never know what kind of impression you made and what they are thinking. Love scares me because i'm afraid I will never experience it. i'm also afraid that I will never have a guy to myself; a true boyfriend. I'm also afraid of death, not so much the dying and not being here anymore but the pain that may come with it. Since I work at night most of the time I have developed a new fear of being raped, mugged, followed, or kidnapped. It freaks me out when I have to walk to my car by myself. I always make sure I'm holding my keys in my hands ready to defend myself and also to get away faster.I guess you can say I'm most scared of being scared. I don't want to look like a sissy girl and I don't want people to know my fears in the chance that they want to use them against me.

Lots of money and don't know what to buy

Yesterday I went to my grandmas house. We were cleaning the table getting ready for supper when I found a Best Buy gift certificate. My grandma said it had been there for a month and no one has claimed it and if I called to find out the balance I could have it. I figured it didn't have a balance, but when I called it said it had a $25 balance. It was awesome! That night I went home and started looking at the mail and I got my reward zone rebates, $55 worth. So I have $80 in gift certificates and I have no idea what I want to buy. I guess I will go and look around. If ou have any ideas let me know.

It's Awesome

I finally got high speed internet in my room! It's awesome. Since I live in the farmlands of Ohio and I can't receive cable I thought there was no chance of ever getting high speed internet. I'm defiantly spoiled now! Well I got to go. I think I might be babysitting today!