Loser signing out

Well I'm taking the semester off school. I feel like a loser. I just don't have the energy to do it, and I feel if I keep trying my health will never get any better. I keep telling myself that "sometimes you have to think about yourself", it doesn't make me feel any better. Well that's all.

Why are oceans blue?

The first day of school was very tiring. I was at school from 10AM- 4Pm and then 7PM-10PM. Whew! I found out after yesterday that when I get home I'm too tired to do anything especially homework, so I suppose I will have to try and get my homework done during my 3 hour break. I'm going to hate this semester. The only bright side is that I get every Friday and Saturday off. Well I need to clean my room it is a mess and I need to get it done before my mom and dad leave for China.

I,I,I,I That's all you'll find here

This week has been eventful and promising.

I started a new book, Eragon. I'm thankful that it isn't a "let down" like the last books I read. I'm halfway through the book and I really like it, although, I keep thinking about Lord of the Rings as I'm reading. I suppose it has to do with all the magic, elves, dwarfs, and so on. I can't wait to finish it.

This week I have been watching the girls. They are a real handful. Kaitlynn is going through the awkward phase of not being understood when she talks. She gets so frustrated; the look on her face as she repeats, over and over, what she wants makes my heart break, and I can't do anything but say, "I can't understand", "I'm sorry", "Try to show me what you want"... Most of the time she gives up and starts to pout. Elisabeth... Well there's not much to say... She is still Elisabeth, with her girlie attitude and determination.

Tomorrow I'm going shopping with my sister and then I'm off to spend some time with my friends. I have coupons to Lane Bryant and Fashion Bug, so I will be spending most of my check on clothes and accessories. Then later I'm going over to Misty's house to see her, Stephanie, Sarah, and Levi. It will be fun because her mom and step dad are out of town this weekend, so we don't have to walk around on tip-toes around her mom.

My Aunt Missy called me today and wants me to house sit next week, August 8-11. I'm going to do it, but that is also the week I told my job that I would probably come back. I don't want to do both. I suppose, even though I'm dreading it, I need to call my work tomorrow and tell them I'm not going to come back until the next week. That will be a month off work, and man will I hate myself when school starts and there's no money.

Well I'm done playing catch up.

Disbelief.Denial.Bargaining.Guilt.Anger.Acceptance.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. My actions ruined your day and everyone else's. I really do hate family drama, and today I was the reason for the drama... I was told by many people that your mom admitted to it, but I'm not sure that is the truth. I should have never said anything especially if it was rumor. I really am sorry.

Blah, Blah, Blah.... And so on

Wow! I haven't posted in a while. It's mostly to do with my busy and totally uninteresting life. Many things have happened since my last post, but none worth wasting my time or yours. Well that's not true. There have been some life altering events in the past month, but I don't want to talk about them. For the past three weeks my life has been revolving around the same three topics and I want something new. There is nothing new. Oh well I suppose I'll have to wait around until something surfaces. Hopefully it doesn't take too long because I may lose my sanity.

Here she is!

Isn't she adorable!

Isabel Grace Clay

Today we got our adoption referral. Our baby is soo cute. She doesn't look very Asian and she is somewhat bald, but she is still cute. My mom is crazy for wanting another child. I have been trying to talk her out of it since she started the process, but now is the point where I have to shut up and start supporting her. She already has the papers signed and mailed.

Attack of the Rat Man!

I watch this video all the time. Each time it makes me laugh until I cry. It is soo funny.

Well guess what. I have my family reunion this weekend ( I totally forgot) so the Cheesecake factory is a no, unless you want to go on Thursday night. My party isn't until Friday, so Thursday is good with me or we can wait to go next weekend. It is up to you.

If You Were to Die Today Would You be Happy With Your Life Achievements?

I stole sun glasses from Target... It happened on accident. I was looking at the Clearance items, and I found sunglasses that I liked. I was holding them in my hand for a long time, but then I wanted to pick something up so I hooked the glasses to my purse. Well...I forgot all about them. I went through the line, walked out the door, drove home and still didn't realize they were hooked to my purse.

Two days later I found the sun glasses in my my floor half way under my seat. At first I thought they were Lauren's, but then I saw the tag. My heart dropped. My body felt cold and hot at the same time.

What am I supposed to do? Take them back to the store two days later and say, "I stole these and now I have decided to pay for them." Yeah Right!I feel like a criminal. Did the alarm go off in the store? Did anyone see me?

Whew!

This weekend was a really long one. Lauren's graduation party was this weekend, so I helped my parents prepare for the party. I had lots of fun. I played three games of volleyball, played in the pool, and talked to my family. I ended up getting sun burned. It's not an oww that hurts burn, but rather a hah I will be tan in a few days kind of burn.

This week I only have to work today. It's going to be a long day. I hope too many people aren't calling me on the phone and cussing at me. Great the phone is ringing... Regina my boss answered, so far so good.

My dad made an offer on 30+ acres of land last week. He is supposed to be contacted this week to see if we get it or not. The land is so pretty. There is a stream that cuts through the front, we will have to build a bridge to get across. There is enough room for a pond and to ride our four wheelers. My dad said that if he got the land he would sell his Harley. "They are too dangerous. I don't want to get killed right in the middle of a big change and leave your mother alone to handle it." I thought it was cute...

Well I better get back to work. Not that there is a lot to do.

What else can I say?

I haven't written in a while. I want to write but I am not sure what to write or I suppose I'm not sure of how to go about writing what I am truly feeling.

I check on my blog often. I come to visit and re-read things I wrote in my past, I check to see if I have comments, but most of the time I stare at the screen wanting so badly to spill my secrets and deep feelings. I never do.

Sometimes I check on my blog to see if anything new has been written, not necessarily comments but posts. I know there will be nothing but I check often... daily. Weird...Well, I know I am...

Lately, I have been disappointed in people. It's not necessarily their fault either. I just don't feel like I have the support I want and need. I always try to support people. And if I believe they are doing the wrong thing I try to give my input. I always welcome input. I may not listen or may get a little mad at first but in the end I always appreciate it. Mostly because people think differently, they may see a possible outcome that you did not. If they support what you are doing then they can make you feel more comfortable about your decisions. I suppose that's why I'm disappointed because I don't feel comfortable.

An OMG Moment!

Final Grades were posted today. I was nervous. I got all A's; that's a 3.86.
Yah Buddy!

####Ashley's####Life####

Lately I have felt that I have a void in my life. Like I'm not complete. I'm not sure what to do with this void. I have tried to feel it with many things: family, friends, food, school; but none work. In respect I feel like a failure. Being a "failure" doesn't make me depressed or angry like you would assume, but mostly I feel on edge and unsettled.

I feel like I have no direction in my life. One day I want this and the next something totally opposite, and each day I feel totally content with my decisions. I suppose you can just call me a girl or immature.

Ramblings of a bored student worker

Hi!

I got my work schedule for the next few weeks and I have less hours, but that doesn't bother me any.

I keep getting the hic-ups.

I'm so bored right now! Stuck at work with nothing to do... Well I could be studying but we know that's not going to happen. I'm so bored I'm sleepy! I want a raspberry white chocolate mocha!

It's funny how you can't tell how much time has passed for me by reading this. I was just on the phone for 7m and 39s with a student who told me her life story and how she hated her aerobics professor and how she needed to talk to someone to get her prof in trouble. grr... The name Students Services is just a big advertisement to students wanting any type of service. We should rename our office "can't find that here" or "that's upstairs".

Ok I'm done rambling! I have no more energy to ramble or I would keep going.

A question

In what ways can a classroom be like a family or should I not go there?

DaRn It!

Today I was thinking about postcards. Don't ask! I have no idea why. I just realized that the postcard I sent my family from Canada never made it to them. That makes me much sad. I hate the mail system! Grrr!

I have to do a project on the Savanna for one of my classes. I've decided to play a clip from The Lion King. I think the part where Simba has taken his spot as king and the land that was on fire is put out by the rain and all the bad and evil is washed away will be a good clip. I love that movie it makes me cry everytime. I'm also going to try and find some cookie cutters shaped like the animals of the savanna and make some sugar cookies to pass out. Some times it's great being an early education major because I get to act like a big kid.

Toots for now!

"Do you like my sweater?"

My head hurts... I'm so stressed! College, at times, sucks!

In all of my classes I have group presentations and/or reports. Why do professors save huge projects for the end of the semester? It is stupid especially if they expect the students to actually try and do a good job. Most people blow off end of the semester projects. I know I'm half tempted, but there is the issue of trying to get into the Cohort. Miami University Oxford... *insert bad thoughts*

Ok that's enough sulking over the inevitable.

Something happy...? Anything... Aha I know: I went to see my baby cousin,Jenna, last night. She is around 30 days old. She is so beautiful. I love her to death, already. The last time I saw her she slept the whole time, but last night she was awake most of the time. She has beautiful blue eyes.

I'm so hungry I haven't eaten all day. I want a big Marble Mocha Maciatto and a cinnamon scone. Too bad I'm poor.

Y'all come back now ya hear

Your Linguistic Profile:

75% General American English

10% Yankee

5% Dixie

5% Midwestern

5% Upper Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Now that's Yummy!

I have been waiting for a day just like this. You walk outside and immediately you feel the warmth of the sun. Yummy!

Today was the etiquette luncheon. I learned how to eat and talk like an upper-class person.

I actually learned a lot of new networking (conversation), formal dining, and dressing for success tips. I now can dine in a five star resturant and not feel overwelmed and uncomfortable. If only I was certain that I would get to use these new tips.

Well I better get back to work or they will fire me!

So far so good

I took my test today. It was interesting to see how different the questions were. They were easier.

I thought I was going to fail the reading because I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't concentrate because I left my phone in my pocket. And as you know that is a big no no. They have you lock all of your things up so you can't cheat or copy the test, and if they would have seen my phone they would have freaked.

I got there at 8:00 and the doors were still locked so I stood around. At 8:10 I took my phone out to see what time it was. All of a sudden the lady opened the door in my face, so I put my phone in my pocket so she wouldn't see that I was checking the time. I went in and filled the paperwork out, they locked up my belongings and I started the reading portion of the test. About half way through I put my hand in my pocket and felt my phone. I got this sickening feeling in my stomach and I felt hot and cold at the same time. I couldn't think of anything else.

Did I turn it off? If it does ring I can hit the button on the side and mute it. If they catch me will they forbid me to take the test ever again? Will I have to switch my major? OK calm down Ashley just get through the reading and raise your hand to go to the restroom... that was my decision. Wait. The whole second half of the test my mind was racing. When I finished I raised my hand and asked,"May I go to the restroom?"
she said, "make it quick."
I said, "I'll need to get in my locker."
"why?"
"It's that time of the month."
"Fine"
I went to the restroom and put my phone in my purse and washed my face. I felt like a felon. I got over it. Went back to the test and did well.

I passed my math by 7 points and my reading by 2 points. Now I have to play the waiting game to see what I get on the Writing portion. Hopefully I did well.

I have that heavy feeling lifted from my shoulders... for now... until I start writing my essay and catch up on my school work. For the next couple of days I'm going to do nothing besides watch my blockbuster movies! Yours, mines and ours, Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind, and Poltergeist. Weird selection.

ReLiEnT k!

YaYnEsS! Tomorrow is the Relient K concert. It's a bit of happiness entwined with all of this chaos. I want to buy a shirt. Will they have one in my size? For now I'm going to stay optimistic. Sarah gets to go backstage and meet them. I'm jealous, but not too jealous becuase I would feel way uncomfortable and wouldn't know what to say.

Last night I signed up for Blockbuster online. I already have 55 movies on my Queue. Wonder how long it takes to get the first set of movies?

I'm nervous about the Praxis, but I'm sure you are sick of hearing about it. The more I study the worse I feel becuase I realize how much I don't know. I, I, I, I, ok enough.

Sorry I didn't call you after CSI. I felt to sleepy. I'll call you today.

Peace Out

A poem

Life
By: Me :)

Oak tree helicopter flying madly,
Slowly falling, oh so sadly,
Dead in time, in space, in reason,
Forgotten with the change of season.

!Hola!

I got my movies in the mail today! YaY!! I was very surprised that I got them this early, Harry Potter just came out on Tuesday, I was betting that they would come while I was in Canada and that would have made me disappointed. YaY!

Work is going by so slowly! I am sooo bored and I'll be right here again tomorrow! I hate working past 5 because there are few students who come in.

I started cleaning my room last night. I like work that you can see a dramatically different end. You can say "I did that!:)" It makes me feel good that I did something. Maybe that's why I keep my room such a mess? Probably not. My mom always says I keep my room a mess just to make her mad, and it's my way to have something on her. Whatever!

I can't wait until Spring Break! Relaxation! No school, No Ben, No loudness, No homework, No work, .... ahhh ;) Nature, prettiness, Sarah, Books, ...

The countdown has started

5 days left until we start off to Niagara Falls. Way exciting! I have so much to do before we leave. Like laundry, cleaning, packing, figuring out what to pack, getting money from bank, shopping for snacks, figuring out what snacks to take, things to do (entertainment) for the car ride, and etc...

So, if you don't hear from me until I leave don't get too worried. I'm just a little stressed. For no reason.

Toots! Ash

The calm after the storm

Today I feel happy.

This week I have read three books. My first and favorite of the three was Goddess of the Rose. It was goood! The second was The Giver. I last time I read the Giver was in fifth grade and I was made to read it so I didn't really "read" it. When I went to the library I saw it in the juvenile section and wanted to reread it. It was good, but not as good as I thought it would be. ? I think they should make a movie about it?. The third was the first book to The chronicles of Narnia. It was also good. I feel like a little kid reading books for little kids.

I feel like a nerd because I have been carrying a book around with me all week.

We get to go shopping today! That will be exciting! I hope we can find some really good books on C.D. It would make our long drive to Niagara Falls more pleasurable.

I'm thinking of skipping class on Saturday. I'm just so bored in there and I want a free Saturday. Talking of Saturday my aunt is having her babyshower. I would like you to come if you want and it doesn't interfere with other plans. My mom and I are going shopping afterwards to buy stuff for Spring Break, so if you want to come. ;)

Well I better get back to work or they will fire me. jk

I Frighten Myself and I Give Him the Satisfaction of Defeat

I do. I frighten myself a lot. I am one of those people that holds my anger in, and at times I lose control of myself.

If you know my brother then you also know that he is out of control. He is allowed to do whatever he wants and seldom gets punished for it. I'm not saying that I'm perfect. I also got away with many things and so did my sister, but my brother is far worse than I would have ever dreamt of being. My parents aren't what you would call strict.

Today Ben came home with my mother after his therapy (I wish this therapy dealt with his head but it doesn't). They had went to Target and Ben bought some snacks. He handed me some popcorn and said, "Here you can have this, but don't give any to Elisabeth until she is nice to me." I took the bag and gave some to Elisabeth. I knew the only reason she was being mean was because of Ben; 10 minutes before, when Ben wasn't there she was perfectly happy.

Ben, mad at me, slaps me in the head. Hard. I get mad and tell..well scream at him not to touch me. I slap him back in the arm. As soon as I hit him I knew that I shouldn't have. He slaps me again in the face. Very Hard. I walk towards my mom for help. She, of course, is acting like nothing happened. At this moment I am angry, no very angry. His physical abuse always goes unpunished. I tell... well scream at my mom to do something. Nothing happens. He follows me towards my mom. He demands that I give the popcorn back to him. I lay it on the counter in the laundry room, so that I don't have to get near him. He pushes me out of the way to get the bag of popcorn. This makes me more furious than I have ever been.

Inside of me I feel like screaming for no reason, at my mother, and at my brother. I felt my body get hot and tense. I knew what was coming. I tried to calm down, but after looking at my mom who was conviently looking through a magazine and then at my brother who was smiling at me I could control it.

I get in his face and push him with all of my power. He moved back two feet showing how weak I am. This makes me even more angry. I feel my hands ball up into fist and I start swinging with all of my might. I hit him, twice, before the embarrassment and shame take hold. He looked as if he would start laughing. I got all of my things and ran downstairs where I plan on staying the rest of the night.

When I started hitting him all I wanted to do was to make him feel as bad as I did inside. It didn't work. I only accomplished to make myself feel ten times more horrible than I felt before I lost control. You would think now that I realize that nothing good comes from hitting him that I wouldn't do it again, but I tell myself that everytime I hit him and I still do it. I felt so vulnerable and that is the worst feeling in the world. I have lived my whole life vulnerable to other peoples thoughts, comments, and stares. When I feel vulnerable and I am able to do something about it I do. That is usually at people within my family.

I started writing this post in hopes to vent my anger and frustration, but I have done much more than that. I always knew that my vulnerability was the reason I fought back but seeing it written down, and working through what I want to say, and knowing that other people will read it makes me hope that next time I will be able to control myself and think before I act.

Wow! I haven't updated in a while

Well there is nothing interesting that is happening in my life... unless you consider school interesting. My blog is boring! It's because, lets face it, I am boring. I have nothing entertaining to talk about and I'm not artistic, so what else is there except updating you on my boring life.

Well here's the latest update. I got a B on my Science test. Not what I was expecting but what I deserve because I didn't study that much. I have a lot of up coming projects I have to start on. My Lesson plan for Science, my tree report for Botany, my literature project for math, and later my report for Nursing. Fun!!!

I'm at work right now eating corn pops for lunch. Corn pops are good when you eat them dry.

I hate Fridays because I have to get up early and I have a three hour break from 10-1 and I get very lonely and bored.

I'm going to download yahoo messenger on the computer at work, so late at night when I am here I can talk to you! That sound good? ashflow6 what a stupid name maybe I should get a new name like aclaysweetie? or powerrangersrock?

Well I'm done for now.

Tell Me Something I Didn't Already Know!

Lauren is a complete and utter moron. This week she was checking the Findlay website to make sure that Nick's spring Break was right. She was wrong! Nick's spring break is the week before ours, so he isn't going to be able to go. I am still trying to talk her into going but I'm not sure if she will. Can we say "Lauren is a complete and utter moron?" That's fine we can still have a good time without them.

Took my EDT 182 test today. It was way long! I'm thinking I pull a B. Well I'm at work not working and I think that is a bad thing so I should do something. Talk at you later! LoVe

By the Hair on my Chiny-Chin-Chin

I got an A-- on my Botany test; 90%.

Enough Said... well, written

Whew!

Today I took my first test in Botany. It was really hard. I studied my notes for hours and I read all the material. The test didn't follow the notes at all so I'm concerned about my grade. Hopefully I won't completely bomb it. I would be happy with a C.

I wore my new shoes today! They are really loud when I walk down the hall. Right now my feet are hurting because I have been walking all over campus. I'm also wearing my new socks. I found out that if you have a shoe that is low cut in the front then you can wear your socks backwards and then they fit better and you can't see them.

Update

I am reading Ender's Game. I am defiantly more involved with this reading than my previous. So far I really like the book, but I'm only to page 30. I have just learned that Ender has been chosen to go away to Battle School and he has accepted this invitation. I have four and a half hours of work to go so I should get far. I'm really not suppose to be reading for leisure only school material.

What kind of story should I write about? Who should I make the main character? Past or futuristic? Magical or not? You tell me.

Shhh... I'm at work

Today has been a fun day. I finished up my Science project because I thought we had until Wednesday to present but my prof switched our day to Monday. We had to make a powerpoint and I like those. There are so many different things to do with the slides.

I'm too negative. I always think about the negative first. When planning ahead the negative is easier for me to see and the positive doesn't dawn on me until after the fact. I suppose once I have experienced *anything that sounds interesting* I am more willing to see the good that came out of it. I've been trying to change, but it's hard. Everyone around me is negative...well most people (you not included).

In the past couple of years I didn't see my dad very often, but lately I have been enjoying his company more. My brother, my dad and I have started playing pool everynight. It is fun. I love hearing my dad's stories he always has someone to make fun of. I really am bad at pool, I can only get better so what's there to lose?

For my blog I'm going to start writing a series story. Every week or so I'm going to add to my story. It will be interesting to see where it goes.

Well I only have 10 minutes until I go home, so toot-a-loo until next time.

That's messed up!

I seriously have obsessive compulsive disorder! I was watching Dr. Phil last week and his guest had extreme cases of OCD. I believe that I have a form of OCD were I count everything.

While I'm walking I count. I try to get two steps in between each crack in the sidewalk and if I don't then I feel weird like I need to redo it.

While I'm driving I count the cracks in the road, I count cars, pedestrians, mailboxes, and I even take the numbers on mailboxes and add them together to see if it is even or odd and if it is odd it is "bad".

When at school or work I write notes over and over until my hand writing is perfect and all the letters are the same size and spacing. Recently I have started to type my notes out so I don't use so much paper. At work when taking a phone message I can write it and re-write it three to four times. So far in my checking book I have ripped out three pages because the transactions were out of order and my handwriting was bad.

Throughout my day I count and count and count. I count stairs, patterns, and other totally random objects. I like even numbers and multiples of three.

I'm probably being a hypochondriac but this is my life and what goes on inside my head.

I have left message with machine and human.

You are a very hard person to get ahold of! I wanted to let you know that I received our Relient K tickets.

"We were talking together and I said 'What's up with this weather'"

Yesterday it was around 50 degrees outside and today it's 30 degrees with an inch of snow on the ground. Now that's Ohio weather for ya. I can't wait until there is a "High of 75" that's the perfect temperture.

I put pictures on my facebook the other night. I had lots of fun taking my pictures, becuase I have no pictures of any of my friends or my family. It's all my fault because I deleted them all when I restored my computer. Idiot! I'm going to start carrying my camera around with me so that I have more pictures

I bit my tongue really bad and now there is a permanent bump on the bottom, and it feels like I have food caught under my tongue

I'm finding that I have limited time for myself. There's no time to do anything except school, work, and some homework, but this is no different than previous semesters so what am I complaining about?

I did rent three movies the other night and I was much happy with my choices. I got Sky High (very good movie I want to buy it), Fantastic 4 (also a good movie and I'm considering buying it), and Mr and Mrs Smith (also a very good movie).

Well I'm off to observe the night sky and then researching comets and asteroids and then ending my night with some CSI. Love to all!

Catch up

School started today! Last night at about 12:30 AM I was checking my schedule on-line and saw that in fact I do have lab the first week, so I hurried to bed and had to get up at 7:30 AM. A lot of my friends from last semester are in many of my new classes, except Sarah :( , so hopefully school will go a little faster.

This Saturday at 6:00 I am having a home and Garden party at my house and you are invited! I know it isn't very exciting, but it is a favor for the women who sells the stuff. She is new and has only done a couple of parties, so my mom and I planned a party so she could have some extra practice. There's free food and door prizes and it only takes up about an hour and a half of your night.

I start my job officially tomorrow! Kinda nervous because I will be at the front desk all by myself. Wish me luck! Adios for now! Love ya!